He will forever live in our hearts!!

Once in a lifetime, or maybe more, an individual enters our lives
in a precious and powerful way.
For some of us, the special person stays for only a moment.
For others, longer.
For some that child is only a brief dream,
then a bittersweet memory.
But each of us is somehow aware
that we have experienced a small presence
that will not leave us unchanged.

-Dorothy Ferguson

The Story...

Well it all started Christmas evening! It had been a long day of opening presents and eating too much food!!! Around 5 that evening my back started to ache pretty good! I had gone into pre-term labor with our first born at 33 weeks and it felt the same this time! I figured I would try lying down on my left side for awhile. That did not work so I tried a warm bath. Still my back was aching....So I decided to tell my husband and call my doctor! She said to go to the hospital to see if it was true or false labor! I was only 32 weeks so we didn't want him to make his arrival quite yet. When I got there a nurse wheeled me to L&D and said "Looks like we might be having a Christmas baby tonight!" I laughed and said "I hope not! He is a little early!" What she said would echo in my head forever!!

They put me in a room and hooked me up to the usual...fetal heart tones and the toco machine (measures contractions)!! Well I was contracting every 2 minutes! I got a friendly lecture about not drinking enough water and some terbutaline!! I told my husband to go on home and go to sleep! He had been up since 5am filling in for Santa!! I layed there and thought to myself as I watched the little heart flicker on the machine that Cody's heartrate seemed much higher than normal! I even mentioned this to the nurse who informed me it was within normal parameters. I was given a dose of morphine to help me sleep. I awoke around 3am in TERRIBLE pain! I had the feeling of a knife in my lower back! I was fighting back the tears!! I couldn't lay still! So the nurse had to readjust the belts!! When she went to locate his heartrate she could not find it! I thought to myself "Where do they get these people?"!! So another nurse came in to try and she failed too! Yet I STILL did not think anything! I thought the nurses were just not very good!!! It wasnt until my doctor came in the room with the Ultrasound machine that the thought hit me! And it hit me like a ton of bricks!!! She put the wand on me and I asked her "Is he ok?" and she solemnly replied "No". I wailed!! It had happened! How could it happen? He was fine just a couple of hours, minutes ago!! The nurse held my hand and cried with me!! I could not believe my baby was gone!!! I wanted my husband now!!!

They tried calling my husband but the phone wasnt working right! So we had to send a police officer to the house to wake him the poor guy! All the officer told him was to call his wife at the hospital. I feel so bad in retrospect...When he called and asked what was wrong I blurted out in tears "Cody's dead!! Robin Cody died!" He said he was on his way! While him and my mom drove to the hospital I had another ultrasound to confirm his death! There was no blood left in the chambers of his heart. There was no hope they were wrong! Meanwhile the pain kept surging through my body and I begged for relief!!

I was in the bathroom when my mom and husband arrived! I remember hearing my mom ask the nurses how it could happen! "How does a baby die at the hospital?" she wanted to know!! I remember her innocently asking me when was the last time I felt him move! Well I tortured myself trying to remember! I was usually very concious of his movements!! Christmas was so busy that I hadn't paid much thought to it that day! I will never forgive myself for not remembering! And I will always hate myself for not knowing that he was dead! How could I have sat around laughing and opening presents while my baby son was dead in my womb! None of us knew and we went on like everything was perfect!!

Well they discovered my terrible pain was my placenta abrupting!! Which we thought was the cause of his death at the time! Not only did it abrupt but I was in what they call DIC (Dissemenated Intravacular Coagulation)! A very very serious condition for me! My body was not clotting and I was hemorraging! I had to receive fresh frozen plasma and fresh platelets! They decided to induce labor at 5 that morning. But because of my DIC I cound not have an epidural! I kept thinking "God it does get worse!!" Instead I received a morphine drip! It only seemed to lighten the pain sometimes! It made me tired and I did not want to sleep because I wanted to remember everything! The labor was long and very painful! I cried like a baby every time the DR. checked me! I so terrible wanted to just be done with it! Finally at 6:17 after careful pushing Cody was born! He was so beautiful and big!! My mom and husband later confided in me that they had still hoped as I delivered him that the doctors were wrong, that he was still alive. When he was born his mouth dropped open and they held their breath waiting for his. But Cody did not draw any air, he was truly gone..lost forever! As soon as he came out and the doctor saw him she knew he did not die at the hospital but rather before I got there! Apparently the machine picked up my heartrate and doubled it!! At the time none of it angered me! I was too heart broken for anger!! But trust me the anger would eventually set in!!!

The doctor layed him on my belly and I looked at him and sobbed! He looked perfect! It does not make sense!! Make him breath!! Please!!! Please!!! I was so tired and thirsty and hungry and sad! I have never felt such sadness in my life! My mom took Cody and held him in her lap. She looked at him and she looked so sad! It was just a week ago that we were riding in the car talking about who he would look like. We had bought Christmas presents and commented how Drew would pass his toys and clothes down to his little brother! Now that wont happen! Drew will have no little brother! Cody was then taken into another room where Robin and the nurse cleaned him up and dressed him and took pictures! He was brought back to me! I cradled him in my arms! I kissed his cheek that still felt warm and soft! And he had the cute little fuzzy facial hair that babies have! And he had the little white bumps on his nose too! And all the hair!!! His brother was bald when he was born and I had expected the same with Cody! But alas here was all this curly looking brown hair!!! It was not fair! He was gorgous! It is amazing what a loving mother's eyes see! I mean honestly when Cody was born his color had changed considerably. His lips were rosy red but quickly turned black. There were patches of skin that was pulling away like a blister and his poor little head was SO very soft! I was afraid to touch it too much! But what I saw was this beatiful baby with lots of hair and incredibly long arms and legs!! He was so big! They had told me to expect a 3 or 4 pound baby! When they weighed his precious body he came in at a hefty 5pds 11oz! I could hardly believe it! And it was even more amazing because that is what his daddy weighed when he was born!! He was still Daddy's little boy! He looked just like Robin just as his big brother had! I wanted to hold him forver!

He would have started kindergarten this year...

I wonder...would he have wanted a SpongeBob Square Pants backpack or Spiderman? Would he have wanted a packed lunch or school lunch? Would we have agreed on school clothes? Would he have cried or been brave because he had his big brother with him? I would have walked him in and straightened his hair and kissed his cheek! He would have walked away and said "I love you mommy!" and I would
have said "I love you Cody"with tears in my eyes!

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Feel free to email me for anything! swtang25@hotmail.com